I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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