omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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