I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
