Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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