we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
