I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
