It's Friday. Sex?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
