1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
