We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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