Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
