new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
