i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
