my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
