I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
