i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
