Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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