I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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