My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I can't put those talents on a resume
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
