The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
