The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
