you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
