My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
