see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
my poor anus
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
