he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
