I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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