totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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