We named our party play list daddy issues
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
