My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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