Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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