My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
