we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
So squirting runs in the family.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
