Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
