i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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