I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
