Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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