The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
