Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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