Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I smell stomach acid.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
