Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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