If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
