that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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