it was like his penis was on wheels.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
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I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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