No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
