Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
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You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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