Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
