i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
