sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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