Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
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i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
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I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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