During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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