I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important