So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
