this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
