I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
