so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
