just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
