I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
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i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
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I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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